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  • Writer's pictureNicole Angelique Kerr

Needing Help To Heal

Updated: Jan 23, 2023

Healing is not linear. It takes time. Most of the time it involves seeking out other healthcare speaclists. Also healing does NOT mean curing. I wanted to share with you what a visit with Dr. Dennis Rhatigan (My chiropractor/healer in Hawaii) was like for me in respect to mind/body connection. Date of visit March 5, 2020.

My pelvis collapsed again last night while walking to throw out a bottle of supplements. I felt this intense, sharp pain, collasped and had to crawl to a chair. This had happened last Fall (2019) as well. What was going on? Two hours earlier the sirens went off on Oahu for a Tsunami. An hour later they were cancelled. Meanwhile Paul had cancelled his class due to it. COVID 19 was now the hot topic and stress environment of the whole island went to red alert.

I called Dr. Rhatigan the next day to see if he was still open and he said he saw two patients on Monday and that was his last until COVID-19 passes. He asked what was going on…my pelvis collapsed and my belching/alarm on/stomach heartburn pain it at high alert and I can’t turn it off. He said to come in an hour.

He asked me to tell him what had been going on so I started with my therapy appointment with the VA last Wednesday where I saw myself go threw the windshield - glass everywhere, hands up protecting my face and the last words I cried or thought ,not sure which, were, “Oh my God, help me, I don’t want to die.” And then I did...die.

I talked about the last week of popcorn stuff coming up from My mother – she is going to die and I will never see/feel that “mother” part of her/our relationship again…it is what I have been holding out for all these years. Not going to happen-she aligned with my Dad and hardened her heart. To realize I have been a victim to my frustration of defining myself as “Bad” because of their judgment of me-rejection of me for disobeying and disappointing them (and therefore God). So the dream I had for decades of graduating from the AFA was my subconscious way to make it all better and be forgiven. But the problem was I never graduated.

Dr. Rhatigan said for me to close my eyes and feel the moment of impact, going through the glass, hands up, saying I don’t want to die…what was I feeling? There was nothing. No feeling, no charge. He said see you have done it – you are through it except your mind keeps thinking something else is coming (impending doom) – this is what I processed last night with the fractures I sustained in my pelvis being in the hospital… I would start to feel better then something else would happen and it would be a crisis. So I needed my mother back then.

He said to me that I was already done, it is just a matter of accepting it. When I closed my eyes I just felt sad, so so sad.

He said that I had won. I was now free. My Dad was the loser. He lost his daughter. My father took away my mother, the mother I had to bond with again as I was back to being an infant – I was dependent and desperate for her love and attention. When he made the decision for me to move to Dallas to live with my sister that ended our relationship. It forever changed. I have tried desperately to get that Mom (that was there for me in the hospital and recovery) back all to no avail.

He lost his children – we are all separate from him (except James) and he forced my mother to give us up, give up her family. Yes, she has been the victim and now I can see it through another lens. Just like I was a victim.

When I left the hospital I was an emaciated, broken girl. I’ve kept myself like that hoping she would come back and nurse me to health. We would bond again. How it played out was that she/he came only came and connected with me only when I was in a dire health crisis. So I created several, yet real, health situations over the decades to keep re-enforcing they did care and love me. They always told me they would be there for me – until recently when Dad modified that to only in case of emergency – that actually was the way it always was, I just now heard him say it. I had created a "Get out of jail card for free" with being ill. That was the only acceptable reason to see me.

Interesting I fractured my pelvis on both sides…root chakra. When my pelvis shot up with pain that night it took my legs out from under me and my breath away. I truly did collapse (took a Xanax), ate and went to bed. I thought I would not be able to make it in life without my parent's "being there."

As I sat on Dr. Rhatigan’s table and I thought about Jesus dying on the cross and saying, “It is finished.” I realized I am “finished” trying with my parents – I don’t need anything from them anymore for me to live. I had just processed the most terrifying moment in my life and I am okay. I saw myself in the home stretch of a marathon seeing the yellow ribbon ahead and stretching out my chest, arms outstretched and crossing the finish line victoriously.

Dr. Rhatigan had it right all along. From my very first appointment in March 2015 he told me my issue, from an NET perspective, was my posterior pituitary was the primary issue. This whole journey I have not wanted to think about it or feel it (the truth with my parents) and because of that I was causing myself to become depleted. Other emotions that went along with that were suppressed, sluggish memory and vivid dreaming (Meaning dreaming the situation was different) – suppressing my emotional reality. When my pelvis gave out in such pain I truly felt finished. I had no more gas in my tank. Even the fumes I was running on gave out.

My stomach and gallbladder were the two organs that took the hit emotionally. They actually had to remove my gallbladder in my 6th surgery.

When I read the end of the letter Dr. Rhatigan wrote for my VA compensation claim I just cried….”She has a powerful Spirit and desire to overcome the challenges related to this severe trauma. I would hope that our country can see a way to provide coverage for this trauma victim who was injured while training to serve our armed forces.”

Later that day after a nap, a bath and more meditation --- I went into the kitchen to drink my magnesium and looked out at the beautiful palms and lifted my glass and said, “Lechaim” To Life. My favorite song from the Broadway musical, Fiddler on the Roof, that my mom took me and my sister to see in NYC when I was eight years old. Indeed, cheers to life!

I share this session with you to give you a peek into the connection between physical pain and unprocessed emotions. Root chakra is your tribe/family and I literally had to let go of mine. Mind you this has been the hardest thing I have had to do but I had to save myself. I have not had an issue with my pelvis since. Please seek out professional help if you are feeling stuck in your healing journey.

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